hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I got inside last night via doggy door
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
