New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Acid is not a monday night drug
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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