using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
