you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
