Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
