If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
