I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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