In America we eat man semen.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
