Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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