I should be sponsored by Trojan
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
