I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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