so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
