i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
