loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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