i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
