I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
