I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
