Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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