The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
