dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
