i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
