every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
