He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
