hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
