I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
