I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
