1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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