He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
