I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
