well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
