got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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