'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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