Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
wow bdsm is so cute
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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