he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
