Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
