I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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