Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
