just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
