Screwed.edu
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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