finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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