if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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