I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
