I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
