I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
