Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Randomize
