You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
we should paint friendship bongs
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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