And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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