Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
