If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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