i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
