I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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